the end.

today was my last day of work. it was also the last day for another coworker of mine, michelle. our coworkers threw a fantastic potluck, and even gave us some gifts on the way out! they were WAY too generous and bought the Graco Pack 'n' Play i've been eyeing at the furniture store, along with a little bouncy chair.

it was a busy day, fraught with ATM issues, so the innevitable end didn't really strike me until i had sold all of the money out of my cash drawer to another teller and saw my completely empy cash can sitting on the counter. that was it. even if i wanted to, i couldn't do another transaction for another member. every penny, every pound was gone.

on the drive home, it really began to sink in. i am done working. this is not a temporary state of unemployment between moves. this is the big one. there is no defined date of re-employment. come monday, there is no routine, nothing special i need to wear or prepare, no lunch to plan for. there is nothing but an open calendar with only a dr's appointment at ten.

this is what i wanted, right? this is what everyone wants! to not be a slave to the alarm clock. to not be told what to wear and where you can or cannot consume food or liquids. to have time to do things you want when you want them. to have freedom.

so why does it feel so scary?

i feel my heels digging in at the thought that not only am i no longer employed, but now there is absolutely no denying that this baby thing is happening. my full-time job is now mother.

and i am terrified.

i have been so excited about everything coming together, but for some reason, this last peice has revived all of the intital fears i felt the day we learned i was pregnant. i feel unprepared and inadequate in every sense of the words. i haven't read enough books, i haven't attended enough classes, i haven't had enough practice. i am not enough.

i know i can do this. for crying out loud, think of all the mothers in third world countries that can't read and have no classes to attend that raise perfectly healthy and well-adjusted children. if they can do it, surely i can in my pampered western culture with every resource available to me. but even though i know i can do this, and even though i have the best help in the world coming tomorrow, i can't help but be scared. it's like pre-wedding jitters. that gnawing anxiousness that preceeds what you know is a fantastic new journey.

anyway, this is just a long way of saying i'm sad tonight. i'm sad i won't go to work on monday or any day after that. i'll miss my coworkers and having a job in general. and i know this is a good thing. as much as i hate the idea of not working, i hate the idea of returning to work when Caleb is only a few weeks old even more. this is what i want to do. but it's doesn't make it easy to do.