Friday, November 30, 2007

Poor Pup? Correction: Bad Dog!

Warning: This blog may contain content not comfortable to all readers. If you do not have a strong stomach, I recommend closing this blog NOW!

Zeus is not a dumb dog. He likes to play dumb, but the fact of the matter is that he's a devious, mischevious, devilish dog who, above all, loves trash. There's no trash can that can keep him out. Once a trash bag is half full, the only options are to lock the trash can behind a door or just go ahead and take the trash bag out. He also loves digging thought purses and attempting to get things off of counters, but his true passion is dumpster diving. He seems to love the thrill of the hunt as much as the victory of capture.

And there's nothing too disgusting for Zeus. Keep in mind, this is a dog who, as a puppy, ate his own, errrm...mess. I used to laugh at pet products that advertised that they could make a dog's feces less appealing to its owner. Tell me: what is less appealing than crap itself? In my book, nothing. Nothing trumps the nastiness of poo. If a dog is content to make a snack of it, there is nothing you can do to make it taste any less gross than it must already.

Fortunately, Zeus has outgrown the foul habit of removing his own waste from the scene of the crime. But no amount of yelling, can shaking, and chasing around the house has discouraged his trash habit. It's actually one of many areas in which he has trained me better than I have trained him. I know to push all of my trash as far down in the bag as possible. I know if it's too high, he'll get into it, so I better deter those efforts by just removing the temptation. I know the only safe trash can to throw food away in is the kitchen trash, and again, that's only until it's about 3/4 full.

But this week, Zeus has surpassed even my lowest expectations. Not once, but twice the little devil has broken into the bathroom on the 2nd floor to tear apart the worst of all trash...dirty diapers. And he skips right past the wet ones for the really nasty ones. Then he proceeds to rip it to shreds. Twice I've opened the bathroom door and unexpectedly encountered a very guilty dog and bits of diaper and poo all over the floor. I can't begin to tell you how disgusting this discovery is.

Now you should know that I've been trying to avoid this since the baby was born! I was worried Zeus would be attracted to such little treasure troves, so for the most part, all diapers go into a Diaper Genie diaper pail. Diaper Genies are so wonderful they not only keep the smell of poo in the pail, they are also so cleverly designed that Zeus can not break into them! But since we live in a three story town house and the Diaper Genie is currently on the top floor, occasionally a diaper makes it into the bathroom trash can on the 2nd floor. But I'm wise to his ways! So I close the bathroom door every time!

Until this week, I had no idea that the bathroom door doesn't latch properly. It closes, but will not latch. So with enough pushing from a long nose, the forbidden room becomes a diaper harem for a sick little dog. That little trash can becomes a candy store, full of horrid delights that make me sick to my stomach. And I end up cleaning up the mess.

Honestly! What' s a girl to do? I can't fix the door! I guess that trash can will just now be permanently off limits for diapers. All diapers must be secured in an approved diaper pail. No diaper is safe.

The fact of the matter is, this dog has me trained. And it's not just a little embarrassing. Now that I'm not working, I'm really hoping to spend some time reenforcing what little training they had as puppies, and hopefully giving them a few new lessons as well. They've had it good around here...too good. It's about time I became the alpha dog in these parts again. If not, I shudder to think what Zeus may graduate to after he gets bored with dirty diapers.

Bad Dog!

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